Poetics have always come easy when I speak your name, for you sparked the poet in me long ago. Our love was the kind I strived to duplicate with others. It wasn’t fair. Others could never live up to the way we loved each other. Others never will.
You and I were a riddle and from the outside nobody could see what we saw. We were convinced of that. Cryptic. Hidden. We chose each other; officially meeting at a Tokyo Police Club and The Arkells concert but unofficially meeting as I being Jay’s little sister. I had sought you out and nothing could stop me from making that first move. I will never forget that night. I still wear that same shirt. We always laughed about it, even to this day.
You were proud to show me off. I was elated to be by your side. You never fell short of assuring me how beautiful you thought I was. You hated how I would rip my body apart in front of a mirror—typical me. “Classically pretty” is what you called me. I asked you what that meant and you said that you knew my beauty was timeless. Effortless. My lips and my eyes captivated you. My beauty seemed classic, it was in the way you watched me move, smile, speak, and laugh. To you my beauty was so much more than just how I looked, it was how you saw me. Little did you know that I was always admiring you. Learning from you. In awe of you. We flowed so freely with one another, our bodies swayed together, and your hands were always on my hips, fingers interlocked. You would never let me go. If I close my eyes, I can still feel it.
We loved hard, fast, and without judgement. I believe I have never been easy to love, yet somehow you made it feel effortless. The world was ours, at our fingertips. It was heavy. We thought we had nothing to lose. We were young, but being young didn’t stop us from planning to see things through. Music bound us— Hey Rosetta, Andy Shauf, The National, Arcade Fire, Noah and the Whale, Tokyo Police Club, Said The Whale, Zachary Lucky, Dan Mangan, The Arkells… I could go on and on. Canadian music— we would play it on repeat. These bands were the soundtrack to our relationship, to our love. Remember when you broke a table at Lydia’s, playing a show? You were so enmeshed in your music and making sure you gave it every ounce of yourself. I was so proud to be your girlfriend. You were the type of man who made the people around him want to be better, do better, and give selflessly. We thought nothing could have stopped us until nothing became something.
We endured loss. Together. We said she would have been a girl had we known her fully. Had we known at all. As my back slid down the wall, legs buckling with the weight of our loss, I curled my knees to my chest and was met with your hands cradling my face. You held me while I screamed. You softened my anger. You absorbed my devastation. We cried together after you knew it was true, and that turned our nothing into something very quickly.
I gave many of my firsts to you. I wouldn’t change a thing about our love, but I would change how slow I was to forgive you. Your apology came late, but at least it came. Our hearts were broken, but you were honest with me. You knew I deserved the truth. I don’t blame you for what you did— I always wished that I would have simply been enough for you. But in truth, Taylor, I’ve never been enough for myself.
You were a gentleman. You were always such a gentleman. So gentle, funny, caring, detail-oriented, intelligent, generous. You were always so compassionate. You listened, even when I couldn’t hear. You held me, and you listened.
Music will forever bind me to you because we lived in it, we escaped through it, and we wound ourselves between it. You taught me that we should never sleep angry with each other, yet I was too stubborn ever to listen. You instilled in me that going to sleep holding your hand was where mine was meant to be. You gave me that. I romanticized about you one thousand different times. You are the reason I long for Iceland, you introduced me to that country, and I wrote you each time I visited. You are the reason why Moonrise Kingdom will be a favourite of mine forever and why Wes Anderson movies still bring me comfort when I feel sadness. You are the reason why I love Sigur Ros, their language of “hopeslandic,” and the mysticism of their songs. Taylor, you will always be the part of me that remains fantastical and untamed. You brought out such freedom in me, you lifted me so high, and when it was done, you gently set me down. You didn’t let me shatter; you made sure that I didn’t fade. You always tried to take the pain from others and attach it to yourself. Everything was made better by you.
Hope is important. I hope I get to sing with you again. I hope you find a peaceful calm now. I hope you never leave my memory. I’m so sorry I never did move to Toronto with you and live in that place in Little Italy we picked out. You were one of my few favourite loves. I still have every video and photo taken with and of you. We remained in each other’s lives long after our romantic relationship ended. I am going to miss our whimsical, late-night conversations and walks down memory lane.
I will always love you, Taylor. I made sure you knew this. You were a part of my life— you knew all of my secrets. Nobody on earth knows me as well as you did. It breaks my heart to know I can no longer pick up the phone and connect to you. I’ll never hear your voice. I’ll never touch your hand. I miss you. I’ll miss you every day until I see you again.
You’ll finally get to meet my Dad, give him a big hug for me please. He’s a gentle giant, just like I said. And take care of her, too. Wrap her and keep her safe and warm. I can’t wait to fill you in on everything you’ve missed, and I know you’ll have a lot to catch me up on, too.
As for now? I have hope. Hope now makes a home in my soul, where you are forever anchored.
You always kissed my shoulder before we went to sleep.
I’m afraid of the dark. It scares me because I might miss you if you appear in it one night. You might grab my hand and take me with you, to wherever you live now. If I miss out on seeing you because of the darkness bringing unfamiliarity to me, then my heart will break into quarter pieces, as it’s already broken in half.
I’m afraid that I keep missing you. I’ve travelled many parts of this big, wide world looking for your face in a crowd. Hoping that if I seek just the right place, there you’ll be. A global game of hide and seek, except your hiding place is forever unknown to me. It causes me to crave to find you. It causes me to seek out the new and unfamiliar… but not the dark.
I’m afraid of my nightmares, but without them I would never dream of you. Running in fields with you. Being lifted into the air by you, thrown into the water by you, spun around in a dance by you. You always take my hand before the dream ends. You always tell me that you can hear me. You always try to keep me safe.
I’m afraid that part of you lives on in Villa. My protector. My safe place. However, rational thinking kicks in when I have this fear and reminds me that Villa is a dog. Villa approves of everyone in my life. You would have never approved of the people who managed to break my heart into two separate pieces after I had rebuilt it. You would have kept me grounded. You would have kept it whole.
You would have been 59 this year. This day. We would have gone to your sister’s house. She would have made you peanut butter marshmallow squares and a skor-bar cake to celebrate. We would have had a steak dinner for supper. I would have gazed at you with complete adoration; my first love. I would have hugged you tight and told you how I loved you– bigger than the moon. You would have called me Pumpkin, or Poopie Girl, those nicknames would have never changed.
I am not afraid of the day that I see you again. I welcome it. Seeing you has to be on your terms now. It cannot be on mine. Trust me, I’ve tried very hard.
I miss you. I’ll always miss you. I live around the void created by losing you and I know that I will never be able to fill it. I’ve found a beautiful peace in that. If you can hear me, just know I say your name. Every day. Come to me in my dreams. There is where we meet until I see you once again.
cathartic 